Just before the end

I have seven days. 7 days of lazy stupor and 7 sleepless nights. May be a little more than that but that's not gonna change anything. Not gonna make any difference to any damn thing. The time left will be dense with anger and disappointment with self and with every one around, a sense of what might have been, utter helplessness and a possibly misplaced feeling of injustice. I don't have any pretensions of knowing what I'm doing or what I want all the time. Wanting the improbable has always been one of my most disturbing traits. But this time, perhaps to indicate my descent into hitherto unknown areas of love and pain, I now crave for the impossible. The lost innocence, the forgotten yesterday, stars in the noon, the moon in my hands, the love of my life, life after death. All of them equally impossible. Some one had told me,"the more impossible the things you wish for, the less will be the hurt when you don't get them." It was a lie. I had to learn it the harder way and worse, I feel the ordeal has just started.

I have more things to worry about as well. What after the seven days? How would it be like? Is it gonna be like a vacuum, will it suck me in like a black hole? How would I fill the void? or is the afterworld a better place for my restless heart? Too many questions, I know. Questions are all I ever had and their answers have more often than not, ended up being more questions. May be the answers have been there all the time and I just didn't look at them. May be I even knew the answers all along but didn't want to admit. But if I had seen the answers, I don't remember them anymore. After pouring down the excess thought flow in my brain into a full page of incoherent words, even now 'm no closer to the answers. And I have no new questions popping up. That should have calmed me but strangely I'm more disturbed now. This just seems like an indication, an omen that doesn't give any better comfort in coming days. But there is only one direction my train of thought is gonna take and I don't see the end of the tunnel any sooner.